At 26 years old I thought my life was going to be different.
I thought I was going to be happily married, with a newborn, having written my first book, that of course made ‘best seller lists’ across the world. I would have a close knit ‘Sex and the City’ group of girls, I’d have a flat stomach, a fat ass and look tight in a bikini.
And, that was the dream.
Reality is that I have just left my 8 year relationship with the man I thought was the love of my life. I have written nothing of value and whilst I’ve had fleeting dalliances with cliques of extraordinary women, I must say, I have yet to find a lasting niche. I refuse to address the last point. “Lose weight’ has been high on my new years resolution list since I was 15, it’ll likely be at the top of year 27 as well.
I’ve been reflecting on life a lot lately. Trying to figure out if the way I’m living my life is disappointing myself, or is disappointing society. I get a lot of ‘but don’t you want to have kids?” and “don’t you want to get married?” and my all time favorite “but he’s such a nice guy! There are no more nice guys out there.”
That may be true. I may die a drunk, old spinster, still smoking, still cussing, with 3 dogs and a curious flirtation with the mail man.
I was fast heading into a mildly happy life. Nothing overly wrong with it. We didn’t fight often, we slept in the same bed, had the same friends, did the same things, week in and week out. We were both like mindless zombies, moving in auto pilot and loving each other out of obligation.
Now, don’t lose me here. I love that man, and I always will. We’ve had 8 good years, but we both agree that there is a love out there that will set our souls on fire, we know that love doesn’t exist for us.
So, now I have the joy of explaining to even the acquaintances in my life why I have made the most distasteful move a woman can make, to put herself first.
I have moments when the grief is so all consuming I feel I may never take another breath, I have moments where I am so out of control I’m not sure I’ll ever stop spinning and I have moments where the weight of my insecurity may drown me.
But I am a wild woman, born to run free, I can not be tamed.
I might as well fan the flames.