Have you ever willing made decisions you knew went beyond compromise and settled squarely in the dark corner we all know as glorious self sacrifice?
Well, let me tell you, I am the Queen of Martyrdom.
“Oh, yes I’d love to have another Christmas with your family”, “No, that was definitely my fault”, “I shouldn’t be so confrontational”, “Of course I’ll do your work so you can go home early”, “I didn’t have plans any way” and it goes on and on and on.
A shameful attempt to use my goodwill as bribery. Desperately needing to be accepted, loved, and admired. But let’s be honest, can you love somebody you don’t respect? And equally, can you love somebody who doesn’t respect themselves? Can you love someone who doesn’t have boundaries?
I can tell you from experience, people are quickly turned off by desperation. No matter how you dress it up, the stench seeps through and before you know it, noses are being scrunched left, right and center.
That leaves you, a door mat. Not the good kind. The straw kind that’s fraying on the sides and lodged with white dog hairs and smells when it rains. The kind of door mat you apologise for.
In many ways I believed that I was ‘being a good person’, caring for the needs of others, being understanding, and all that other bullshit that comes with it. I thought being a martyr was going to pay off.
Well, the actual definition of a martyr is that they kill you!
You die in the end.
I don’t know why that never dawned on me. Seems funny now. Not a ‘haha’ funny, more like a ‘your sunglasses have been on top of your head the whole hour you were searching’ kind of funny.
I never meant for this blog to become so dark. I guess it’s a phase. I kind of like it.
Alas, I digress.
The point I’m making is that I intend to spend more time getting what I want and being unapologetic about it.
Laying myself at the alter of sacrifice only to be surprised when my offer is taken is not working. Not only do I feel worse about myself and my worth, but I also don’t get to eat ice cream for breakfast like I planned.
If you’ve read this far, some of this obviously resonated with you. For that I’m sorry. Good news is that tomorrow is a new day and it’s never to late to get yours.
So go girl, go get yours.