Icy Ground

Insight exhausts me. But now that I’ve opened that door of consciousness and wiped my rose tinted glasses, I see things clearer. Things that cannot be unseen.

My relationship brought out the worst in me.

See, I’m naturally a thoughtful, ambitious, spontaneous person. I exude a kind of sensuality,  a wild spirit that exists inside me. I can be explosive and unpredictable.  My impulsiveness and creativity fluctuates and is often balanced by my sensible tendencies and passion for planning. I am a walking, talking, fighting contradiction.

The elements that make me are also the elements that can destroy me.

This is how I’ve come to realise.

My relationship brought out the worst in me.

Separation made me needy. Being needy made me insecure. Being insecure made me sensitive. Being sensitive made me withdrawn. Being withdrawn made me angry. Being angry made me sullen. And they cycle goes on and on.

I once heard a girl say she “didn’t like how her relationship made her feel.” A sentence that smacks me right in my fragile little heart.

I was a whirlwind of destruction. Everywhere I went I was the doe among dogs. The dame among villains.  Everyone had a problem with me, and my fear grew.

Maybe I was hard to love.

The storm grew inside me and as much as I tried to soothe it, the clouds would seep out creating a barrier, making it impossible to connect. d8e95a8b8d3202c6a0c06a1bcca9c6df

I felt resentful, and disappointed. “If only he would try harder” I thought. I rocked myself to the echo “he doesn’t love me” and then before I knew it, everything was affirming that thought.

He wasn’t perfect, but neither was I.

I’ve always stood on icy ground, and without knowing it, I invited him to stand with me. Over time it began to crack.

My mind deceived my heart. It tricked her into believing that she was unworthy. But he too had his own brand of poison, and we drunk from the same well of sickness.

Intoxicated by the idea of us.

For years we held each other together, fusing the breaks and embracing the calm. The truth is, in the end, our relationship brought out the worst in us both.

So we just let go.

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