Many people have asked if I’ll be taking time to ‘find myself’. Seems like a strange concept.
Find myself? As though I’ve been lost, misplaced or hidden.
On the contrary. I am being liberated.
I’m giving myself permission to be exactly who I already am.
As the door closes on my old life I’ve started looking out the window at the new. Pondering all the possibilities and knowing that any direction I take will be up to me.
What I do know is that I suppressed many of my desires to fit the mold of what I thought my partner wanted. As the years passed he was no longer surprised by me. I wasn’t mysterious or spontaneous. I was predictable because I forgot how to be me.
This liberation is the key to my freedom.
I am awakening that girl. The wild girl within me.Letting her stretch her legs, flick her hair and sharpen her claws. And now I hear her roar.
I hear her voice, stronger than its ever been. She’s screaming at me, begging me to fall in love with the woman I truly am. To enjoy her, to be comfortable with her, to seek out solace so that I may whisper to her. Like reconnecting with an old friend, I know her. But it’s been too long since we last spoke.
I want to drink coffee in cafes and read well into the afternoon. I want to smile at strangers as I walk along the beach. I want to go out for ice cream and run so fast the world is a blur. I want to listen to music, to country, to rock, to soul. I want to shake my hips and sing at the top of my lungs.
I want to take the weekend and camp in unfamiliar terrain. I want to cook 300 different recipes and have dinner parties with women who stimulate me. I want to lay in a hammock with a sarong draped loosely over my body while the sun kisses my skin and the wind twists through my hair.
I want to go to open mic nights, theatre and poetry. I want to play D’Angelo on piano and sleep under candle light. I want to watch art house films and find constellations in the stars.
I want to wrap myself in moonlight and laughter. I want to walk in my magic.
But mostly I want to hold on to that wild girl and this time, I shall not let go.
The world once told me that I was too outrageous, that I needed to tone down, that my boldness was actually eccentricity. They wanted me, but a blander version.
They wanted the girl next door and so I became her. All the while suffocating that wild girl within.
But I could never be satisfied with a white rice version of life. A plain version of me.
I need the fire and I could very well burn with it. Or I could rise from the ashes spread my wings and ignite.
A word to the wise, this girl is back.