I don’t have it in me to be inspirational today. I don’t have it in me to be strong, or positive, or even kind.
I am barely holding myself together, relying on my ability to navigate social situations without consciousness. Right now, I’m on auto pilot.
I’m in turmoil, a war raging inside me, and I’m exhausted from the fight. I want to be sedated and wake up over this part of my life. I want to skip straight to the end game. To the part when I am fully healed. To the stage of my life that I am not hiding a scared little girl inside my heart.
I feel as though people can sense my vulnerability and that makes me defensive. I don’t want anybody to think that I can’t handle the pressure, that my broken heart might be affecting my ability to cope. That I may be insufficient and lacking.
Even though I know it’s true. I’m not at the peak of my game. I’m underperforming and about to be benched.
As much as I am committed to my own growth, to challenging my thought processes, to digging deep, to seeking insight and profound reasoning, I have days where I’m too weak to do much but stare blankly into space.
I need help.
I need the good morning pep talk, the coffee dates and the Friday night wines. I need the sleepovers, the road trips and the conversations about faith. I need the laughs, the support and the dinner plans. I am literally a sponge doing my best to absorb all the good will and energy that comes my way.
I’m storing it for my dark moments alone. For the days I can’t get out of bed. For when I can not bring myself to face it. For the days that I feel so pathetic and useless that I avoid social contact. For the days I white knuckle only to get home and cry myself to sleep.
It isn’t every day, but when It happens I feel I may never stand again. On these days I search for answers in the bottom of a bottle.
I do what I must in order to get from one moment to the next.
I felt that it was important to share this because it’s okay. Not being your best self is okay. Not being the best mother, or wife or student is okay. This feeling will not last. Do not let your pain swallow you alive. Don’t wield your fear as a weapon to cripple yourself.
I know that I need help. I need my girls, I need my job, I need god and I need time. All in equal quantities. What I don’t need is any more pressure, least of all from myself.
I’m putting my faith out into the world and hoping that if you see this and you’re feeling like the world’s greatest failure, you aren’t alone.
But know for sure, that this too shall pass. It’s got to.