How do I share this? Do I even really want to? Will you even understand?
I sincerely hope not, and yet I pray you do.
This will be my most personal revelation yet. I do it in hopes of releasing myself of the binds that hold me.
I do so, simply because I must.
It is a declaration and a promise.
So. . .
I have always found myself gripped by the attention of the opposite sex and in turn outcast from my own.
I have been the source of rumor, of scandal and the dirty little secret of many.
Some of that I deserved, most of it bestowed upon me because I didn’t know how to deliver truth fearlessly.
You see, I have an energy.
An energy that radiates, a sense of warmness, a sensuality, an intensity but above all, a willingness to wear my vulnerability like a pearl necklace. I am essentially a walking invitation for approach. Not threatening, lowering the risk of rejection and guarantying an experience of a life time.
Flirtation, engagement, attraction, all arsenals in my kit of sexuality.
I came into this power innately. I did not cultivate it, I have not learned it. I simply am.
When I was a girl I didn’t know that I possessed this magic, and at the time it felt like a curse.
I was surrounded by guys who wanted to rip pieces of me. Who wanted me to care for, adore, listen, support and who ultimately wanted to possess me. Not in the way that every girl dreams, but in the way every woman dreads.
I found myself being manipulated. I was never in control and always in crisis.
It confused me. I didn’t know what I was doing to let this happen. I’d find my voice only to have cruel names lashed against me. I’d refuse the advances only to be emotionally blackmailed, I’d soften the blow only to be publically shamed and I would give in, only to be whispered about and humiliated.
But still they came.
I was unprepared to be a woman. I hadn’t yet found my balance, my strength or my worth. That would come much later.
It has been many years since my initiation into the affairs of adults, and for a long time I have been sheltered by the loving arms of the man I adored. But that’s over and now I’m alone and without the protection I so long hid behind.
Yesterday I felt torn, today I find myself redefined.
Here’s what I know.
I will always be the girl people talk about. There will always be labels whipped against my character. There will be whispers about my intention, my way and my body.
My sexuality, my face, my very being will always be used to assassinate me, and it will be convincing.
But let this be known, I am no longer that girl.
I am a sorceress.
I am wild and soft. I am reserved and fierce. I am strong and vulnerable. I am energy, both light and dark. I am the breeze that kisses and the storm that ravages. I am the petals of a flower and the bark of a tree.
I let myself be dragged through mud as a child.
Make no mistake, I am a woman now.