My mind is a toxic place.
I fill it with poison and drink deeply.
I ask for details I don’t need and torture myself with the answers. Over and over I run the blade, slicing into the soft flesh of my value, my worth and my esteem.
What does she have that I don’t? Is she prettier than me? Is she slimmer? Does she laugh at your jokes and roll her eyes? Does she stroke your arm and rest her head upon your shoulder? Does she support your dreams and have dreams of her own?
Do her lips move seamlessly across yours? Does she love like I do or is she better? Is her scent sweet and her skin soft?
Why her? Why not me?
Did I not give you enough? Did I not sacrifice enough? Was I not enough?
I, who have carried you through thorny paths, under thunderous skies, and made love to you in the destruction.
I, who fed your greatness.
I, who would forsake all others for your touch.
You replace me. A warrior, for a princess.
But I know.
I know that the road we walked left scars.
I’ve seen the wounds that will not heal.I know, because I wielded the blade.
I know the sting of my word, and the bitterness in my action.
I am not blind to myself.
I don’t begrudge you happiness.
The fire under my skin is simply knowing that another woman has felt your breath against her neck and your heat against her back. She has heard your whisper and been enveloped in your arms. She has been awed by your wit, and seduced by your charm.
All that was mine, is now hers.
She, is every woman who is not me.
She is every encounter you’ve had and the ones you will have.
She is every smile not of my lips, and every glance not of my eyes.
She is the future, and I am the past. A story once told.
It is the comparison I play in my head. It is the comparison that is the master of my demise.
Today I cut too deep, I hit an artery and I’ve been bleeding since.
I should have been wiser, I should have known.
I am beyond treasure. My beauty does not diminish because she too is beautiful. My energy is not weakened because she too has a presence and I am not less of a woman because she too is a queen.
I realise now that your choices are not a reflection of me and my worth. You are living your life, just as I should live mine. My arrogance tells me its a competition but my heart knows better.
I will remind myself every moment that my power isn’t rivaled by hers. She is her own being, and I am mine. Two paths that should never cross, and two that can not be compared.
Some days, the ache is so unbearable, a weight so insurmountable I feel my legs collapse under the pressure. And I know, I have many more to endure before true healing fills my soul. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and walk.
I do this in hopes of salvation, so that one day, many years from now I can pass you in the street and smile warmly at our memories.
Until then, just know, I send you love.