I Release You

I knew the very first time I met you, that you would be important to me. Little did I know that you would be the man that would help to grow me into a woman.  

Had I known our love would end this way, I would have loved you harder in our tender moments, sweeter in our sour, and fiercer through our distance. You once told me that we would have forever, and I guess we did. Seems it wasn’t quite enough.

I have always wanted you to know how much you have meant and continue to mean to me. You are the standard to which I hold all men. Past, current and future.

I have done my best to record my love for you in the only language I can truly trust and that is written. If you are ever in doubt read my words. There you will find truth.

We have dragged each other over jagged glass more times than I wish to remember, but had I known that it would end, I would have treated our love carefully. I didn’t know that it was fragile, I never knew that I needed to be gentle. I had always believed that we had a love that would endure. Had I known that it would break I would have nurtured it tenderly.

In the beginning, I felt that I could not breathe without you. That you were oxygen to my lungs, and the pulse of my blood. There was a time I felt that I did not exist without you. When you found me I had convinced myself that I was invisible. When you looked at me, you saw all the things I didn’t. For years you whispered that vision into my soul, and like magic, you coerced me into existence.

In the middle, I thought my love for you would destroy me. I wanted to die. Not figuratively, but literally. I no longer wanted to inhabit this earth. Especially without you by my side. You threw me away in a time I needed you most. You don’t know this, but I tried. More than once to leave. God kept me here, and through the absolute power of my grief he gave you back to me. I had given up without you. My love for you was that, that I would die willingly.

In the end, I realised that it wasn’t enough. That my love would not sustain us. That I did not have the infinite well I had once presumed. I searched in the all the corners of my soul, and I had been depleted. I had shredded myself apart to find a morsel of hope and came up starving.

I’ve come to know that I will never understand your feelings for me. I will never know if they are as powerful as the ones I had for you. I will never see our memories through your eyes or feel the burn of your love against my skin. I know this, and I’m coming to terms with it.

I just wish I did. Because from where I sit, our affair has been largely one sided. And now, in the end, I release you knowing that you will affect me far longer and far greater than I did you. 

This is the end and I feel the scream trying to escape through my pores. It tears at my joints, chokes my throat and steals my words. It’s the end. And I welcome it with open arms. 

I wanted more for us, turns out God has a greater plan and while everything crumbles around me I have to trust in that plan. Without it, I truly am nothing.

I never wrote this in hopes that a flame would ignite. That time, left us long ago.

This is my final declaration of love to you.

May you find all the things you seek. May you find a love you enjoy. May pleasure exist among your days. May you hold tight to your worth and let go of any weight that is not yours to carry.

Above all, may you always know that there was a time where you had a love that was real.

So, here’s to the dreams we shared and those we didn’t. Here’s to the moments of ecstasy and the destruction of pain. Here’s to the mornings we slept through and the nights we spoke through. Here’s to the life we created and the one we grieve.

Here’s to us. To all that we had, and to all that we’ll never have.

No longer yours. Be happy. 

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