I have always been commended for bravery.
For being outgoing enough to pursue my dreams, for being articulate enough to shape my ideas, for being driven, impulsive and mostly for being courageous.
It’s a mask and I am an imposter. A sheep disguised as a wolf.
I walk in fear daily. It is a constant internal battle and a struggle that I occasionally lose.
I am afraid.
I’m afraid that left to my own devices my personality would ensure that I only speak to the same 5 people for the rest of my earthly life.
I’m afraid of speaking in social situations because I live in constant fear of being misunderstood.
I’m afraid of finding love again but deep down knowing that I may not be able to give myself completely. That the complexity of my character makes loving me an impossible task. That I will resist it for fear that I will not survive another fall.
I am absolutely afraid that every decision I make is the wrong one. That people will judge me, that I’ll be ostracised. I am afraid that I’m thought to be impressive but I, just by being me, am disappointing.
I’m afraid to admit these feelings because what do I have, to be this anxious about?
See that’s the point. I can’t tell you.
But it’s an overwhelming feeling and a living organism. Some days the parasite is so strong It wounds me, and other days she’s nothing but a quiet whisper in a storm.
It is a struggle to keep treading water and every day I have to tilt my chin to the sky and pray for the best. Some days I win, and I can convincingly hide the inner turmoil, and other days I simply don’t have the energy.
I was once told that time is a healer of all things, but my patience is wearing thin. It’s not as though I’m sitting expectantly, hand out waiting for the cure to fall in my lap.
I’m living, taking steps forward, fighting for my dreams, working myself to the core, exploring new ideas, expressing creatively, and hoping for better, so why do I still feel defeated?
Why is every day harder than the days that came before it?
All I can do is hold on.
I am no longer inclined to apologise for my voice, my mind, my thoughts or may way. Nor should you. You owe no justification for the way you live your life.
I now realise that I must be ruthless in the protection of my well being.
Not everybody deserves to be in your inner sphere, not everyone will understand why you are the way you are, or why you walk the way you do.
Build your universe to be a beautiful reflection of yourself, be deliberate in who and how you engage, be decisive in all of life’s choices, and arise, even when you are plagued by fear.
I know you’re afraid, I am too.