A few things have been dancing across my busy little mind lately.
Most of the thinking sounds something like “am I making the most out of my life?”, “Am I doing enough? and could I do more?”, “I should be prettier and kinder and more outgoing.”
It’s actually a lot of emotional bashing on my end.
But how about when the world joins in on your little pity party and affirms the negative things you already believe?
Bam! Now we have all the ingredients for a full on self hate rage. Take a shot now, cos this is the mind fuck of absolute doom.
You’re an attention seeker. You’re selfish. You’re too serious. You’re not fun. You don’t care. You share too much. You try too hard. You’re lazy. Your fat. Your petty. Your strange. You’re needy.
You are every unattractive word in the book but the resounding theme is that you, my lady, you are insufficient in every way.
For years I kept a record of all my deficiencies, I called it ‘the list’ because I am morbid and this is the sort of self sabotage machoism I get into. But essentially, I used the list as a ‘to do’, things that I would ‘improve’, work on and cross out all together because I would have cured that ailment of mine.
Praise Jesus I am healed!
Ah no. It doesn’t work like that. The list is never ending. It is an infinite list of shortcomings. If you have come to this realisation already, congratulations on your freedom. If you are only now having this sink in, you are welcome. I have saved you from decades of self loathing, go forth and slay sister!
Take another shot now. Because here’s where it gets tricky.
Now that you know that you can not please everybody and you give up, they really start to hate you. All of a sudden you’re walking taller, wearing those totally inappropriate glittering shoes, adorning a spray tan in winter, smiling at strangers in the street and basking in the glow that comes with being authentically you and they despise it.
It is a slap in all of their identical faces.
You no longer fit in the ‘safe box’, you are no longer familiar and the worst thing is that you are not even trying! How dare you fall out of the pack, it is totally unspeakable.
And slowly they try to break you, not intentionally, but the fear of their inauthenticity and the smallness of their minds prompts them to break your spirit and when they can’t they’ll damage your reputation.
Why am I telling you this? Good question.
I tell you because you can do nothing about it. You must relinquish all fondness for reputation, you must release every burden and list that you carry. You must wash yourself of any name and title that you don’t own.
All you can do is shine. Shine even though you know the clouds loom. Shine as though the storm isn’t raging. Shine as though you are oblivious to the night.
Shine and find your happiness and maybe your example will show them light too but that isn’t your journey to walk.
Welcome to you, my lady.