What did she say?

The sun shone today. It was bright and warm and suddenly everything felt better.

I once heard somebody say that you should count your blessings. Isn’t that the most unhelpful thing you’ve ever heard in your whole life. I have since cut that person from my inner circle.

I know, I’m dramatic.

But you see, all struggle is relative.

If it is important to you, if it torments you, if it makes you uncomfortable then it is indeed significant.

Or so I tell myself.

I’ve made it no secret that life has not been a warm summer’s day, pipless olives, clear skin, romantic strolls or lotto winning days as of late. But the storm feels like it has passed or is passing and now I’m in the rebuild phase of post destruction and devastation. Fingers crossed, and three ‘Hail Mary’s’

But I  do have a few learnings that you may find useful, or at the very least pleasant to read.

Life Lessons from a dysfunctional human, is what I’m calling it.

In the order it comes to mind and not in order of importance, here it goes:

1. Play music, as much and as often as you can. Play the heartbreak, cry into the pillow, sing into the hairbrush. Play the angry, storytelling, gangster rap. Play the peppy pop tunes and the slutty, ‘pussy’ music. Play it all, you will be rejuvenated through the magic of melody. Give your life a soundtrack and make it the best.
2. Dance. Seriously, dance. Whenever you can. Dance in the car, dance in the shower, dance when good news comes. Dancing is a physical celebration of life and you should do it more. We all should.
3. Keep your space clean. I am rolling my eyes as I write this because cleaning is the bane of my existence but it remains arbitrary number 3 on the list. My days always felt better when my space was tidy and when it wasn’t, my whole world felt and looked like it was falling apart. Messiness exacerbates sadness. Believe me, you don’t want to feel worse.
4. Get out of bed before 8am, says the hobby sleeper. No jokes, if I don’t get out of bed early my whole day slows down. The motivation to seize the day will dissipate and the energy levels go with it. Set your alarm and leap out of bed with purpose. This is still a work in progress.
5. Set goals. Being a classic A type personality this is my favourite. Life is not worth living if I am not working towards something great. I have both an obsessive and an addictive personality so I don’t recommend making this your “be all and end all”  as I have, but having a vision for your life gives you a reason to keep on keeping on, as they say. Career goals, personal goals, recreational goals, financial goals. Give yourself light at the end of the tunnel.
6. Indulge. Living by strict rules is torment when your heart is broken. Get the treats, buy the flowers, wear the dress, watch the movie, take yourself to dinner, book that ticket, go to that concert, kiss the boy. Indulge yourself in the things that truly bring you joy.
7. Reinvention. Change your look. Get a haircut or colour. Throw out the clothes that don’t fit. Don’t hang on to that bikini you know damn well you’ll never be caught dead in. Chuck it all out! Keep only what you love, what makes you feel amazing. Because in case you have forgotten, you, you are a work of art.
8. Purpose. Do everything with purpose. Get up, wash and get dressed with purpose. Walk like you’re going somewhere. Lie in the sun, eat ice cream, speak and listen with purpose. Making a conscious decision to do anything gives you a sense of power. And so often I’ve felt powerless.
9. Cry. If you want to, you should. It’s okay. Remind yourself that it will pass. Nothing lasts forever, except a tattoo so don’t do that today. But once you’ve dried your eyes, flick your hair, wipe the mascara and handle yourself. Nobody can walk this road but you.
10. Rebuild. Rebuilding takes time. They will be set backs and your dignity may take a hit or in my case, three. All you can do is dust yourself off and rebuild. Build your kingdom and keep building it no matter how many times it’s burnt down.

There are a million more things that this year has taught me. Honestly you don’t know the half of it. But as I am determined to never experience this again, learning the lessons are paramount.

The biggest of them being that perseverance is what moves you from day to day.

Put one foot in front of the other and pray that you don’t fall and if you do, laugh then pick up the pace and march. One day, and one day soon, you’ll run.

I promise.

Dearest Lady,

It has taken me months to pen these thoughts. Many hours of desperation and many moments of despair. I have torn myself to pieces and stitched them back again.

But finally, finally I know what to say.

Dear Lady, the man you lie next to, the spontaneous, carefree, impulsive man you share your life with is not the one I shared mine. He is a new man and this man is yours.

You have awoken in him all the things that I could not. You have given him purpose and wrapped him in a blanket of adoration. You feed him strength and he has grown from your nurture.

Dear Lady, I wanted so much to despise you. To blame you for our permanent end. To hate the way your skin contrasts his and to ache at your name upon his lips, but I could not. For you are a great woman, a better woman than I. His joy is yours to cherish.

Dear Lady, keep being you. Inside you he has found sanctuary and the blissful bond you share fills me with a painful kind of envy. In your arms he found the home he could not find in mine.

Dear Lady, only a goddess could love a man who shares a bond with another, as we do. Only a goddess could know her power is not rivalled by the past and trust truly in his devotion and integrity.

Dear Lady, know that I wish you happiness and I pray that your love lives long beyond the days of tomorrow. That my sadness comes only from the time we had, the wars we fought and the scars that will never heal. It comes from years of firsts, from a true knowing that our story is over.

Dear Lady, you have nothing to fear. That man will cherish you, hold you up when you’re defeated and stand by you in victory. He will protect you from all who would speak ill of your name and agree with all those that celebrate your existence.

Dear Lady, I would love to meet you. To embrace you. To hear your voice with my ears and see your face with my eyes. For we are sisters, sisters by having loved the same man.

Dear Lady, he is yours, completely.

I want to keep it in. To ignore the impact.
I want to forget you.

I want to wipe every memory of your laughter, the feel of your touch and your breath against my ear. I want to erase every moment you looked upon me with awe and desire.

I need to forget.

Being with you awoke my tired soul. You were water in a heat wave and sun to my petals. You saw beauty in my chaos and as I was set to destruct you held out your hand and my world stopped spinning. You kissed away my sorrow and paved the way for new. You swept me into your arms and let me be, accepting every day that she may change, that she may run and some days she may only hide.

Your devotion seeped into my pores and inflamed the dying embers of my sanity. In you I saw hope.

But the world will never know our story. We kept it a secret. A promise that all we have between us will always be ours. No one will ever know how intertwined our souls truly are. No one will know how perfectly my hand fits in yours and no one will ever know that the sound of your breath as you sleep at my side is music to my heart.

All of that doesn’t matter now. You made your choice.

You let your past poison us. You let it corrupt our happiness and bleed into our light. You let the parasite jealousy infect your mind and the virus insecurity plague your heart.

I wanted to save us.

I wanted to fall into you and make you my paradise.I wanted to hold you to my chest and dream of vows of forever.

I asked you to remember.

Remember the hopes I kissed across your body. Remember the nights we worshipped and the morning’s embrace. Remember the darkness, the light and the whispers. Remember, it’s me.

I see now that I can not be the dressing for this wound. I can not soothe your agony or chase away your terrors. I can not massage your heart and blow away the fears. It lives inside you and I can not pry it from your body because I have  tried with all my might. I cannot.

I know we were too much. I know that my spirit is too wild and that you were afraid. I mourn you, I mourn every dream we didn’t fulfil and every plan we’d never spoke but I know why you did it.

So I ask, when the shadows come to take you, or when the clouds part and a new light walks in. Remember me, remember that you deserve the love we had and you will find her power again.

So we go back.

We go back to being strangers. The world never knowing that we were on the cusp of greatness.

It is not our time and we may never get another but your love saved me and for that I’m eternally grateful,  thank you.